Hello Beloved,
This is a very personal note that I am writing tonight... Don't even think I will post it. It may sound like rambling but it will come clear by the end I hope.
I have suffered for many years with a terrible inferiority complex, depression what ever it is to be called. I grew up thinking of myself as the most unloved human on the planet. I have believed this all of my life. I would talk to myself and say what I thought others were thinking and in time it became so real for me... I started to believe all the lies I was telling myself. How I was stupid , ugly, not wanted, ect..... the list goes on and on , it is never ending.:
Now I will fast forward .... I went out week before last and spent some time with one of my sisters. It was so wonderful to see her.
Then the next day..... She got a text and it set the mood for the rest of my stay with her.
We talked about the text and I got on my " big mouth, know more than you know "box. I sprouted out and sprouted out when I should have just been a shoulder to cry on... But , Oh not me! I had to open my very big mouth and insert my big foot!! Needless to say the visit was not what I had hoped it would be..
Time to come home... Got home after a 13 hour car ride and part of that in a very dense fog.. Thought I was glad to be home but then I went to bed and could not sleep much. This went on all week long.. Then last night I could not sleep and my thinking had been way off all week and it just got worse in the night . I set up and thought ugly, ugly thoughts.. I even sat down and wrote out a note .. I just really hated who I was and all that I had down wrong in my life and just wanted to end it right then and there. I was all cried out and so, so tired... I still had enough presence of mind to not try anything so I laid down and still my mind was on full force .. no sleep . So I had no one to talk to and I talked to God. I talk to God a lot as I don't really have anyone else to talk to. People just don't seem to want to be friends in person anymore it is all about texting..
Well I talked to God and I ask Him why I could not be more like Him. Why am I the one who cant seem to be filled with the Spirit and pray in the Spirit? I just don't understand.. Long story short I did not go to church this morning.. I was still full of hate and hurt. Well I did go to church tonight and guess what it was about? Yep, It was about being filled with the Holy Spirt and how to go about it.. Just exactly what I had talked to God about.. Now I don't about you but I believe God answered my distressed prayer of last night tonight and that it pretty quick. The devil is not what is keeping me from being filled with the Holy Spirt but my flesh is. I sure have a long way to go.. Thank you Father God for answering my prayer.
