Very Personal

Hello Beloved,

I have something weighing heavy on my mind this morning... It is very heavy. I don't really know who I am talking to here but I believe someone needs to hear this. So please just stay with me here, OK?
I heard about someone yesterday that is so badly depressed they are very suicidal. They are already speaking with a doctor. Now, here is where it is going to get personal. Please just stay with me and know that I am speaking as one with experience.
Where to start? I really do not know when it all started for sure... I just know that at one point in my life I starting thinking about taking my own life. I do not know why I felt like;
no one liked me, no one loved me, I was not good enough, I had nothing to offer, I was so ugly and fat, I was not smart enough, I was not popular, I could not keep up in anyway, shape or form..
I sometimes think it must have started back when I was quite small... I was not as big as the other kids it seemed like... I was rather short.... I was pudgy and whining all the time... I guess it was just me and my own stinking thinking. I just know I hurt inside my heart and my head all the time... and for me it has been that way ALL my life.. I have thought so many times of different ways I could take my own life... I even went so far as to research the easiest and best way to do it.... Now that is a sick person..... I was very sick in my head , heart and my soul...
I didn't deserve to live... I was just not made right like " everyone " else... I really believed all of that..
I have sisters and brothers and I looked at them and saw perfection.... they were pretty, smart, had lots of friends, mama and daddy loved them lots more than me.. I was a mistake. I have all my life believed that.. I got married when I was only 17 years old so I could finally feel good about myself... Ha, Ha, joke on me. It didn't work.... I have now a man in my life that makes me feel bad about myself, only because he drinks. Now , what a rotten life I have.. I made it even worse by having children! I was not only a bad daughter and sister but now I was a crummy wife and mother! Why in the world would I want to live anymore and screw up more lives in the process? I have a bad case of the " I HATE MYSELF" . If I couldn't like me how in the earth could anyone else. It just really sucks being me......
I tried several times to do away with myself but as usual I FAILED. I am going to fast forward here.
In October 2007, something happened to change my life AND my way of thinking..
I fell upside down in the bathtub and broke my back. Has to be one of the greatest days of my life. I had to spend some time in the hospital and while there something started to happen to me... I had time to do NOTHING but think... I looked at a clock on the wall and marked time off in seconds. Yes, in seconds. I looked at a crucifix on the wall and started asking myself about
Jesus and how he must have felt all broken up.. Then it started to work on my thoughts about why in the world would I think I was the only one who was hurting like this... Jesus had already suffered ALL that I was .... He knew what it was like to have no one like him. He knew what it it felt like to be broken and used by those around him... He really does know what you are feeling and thinking at all times,. So to use the excuse I like to use.. no one knows what I feel like , what I am thinking or anything of whatever. Well, I was WRONG!!!!! Jesus really does know all that ..
Now lets go back to something said earlier for a minute OK..
My family is NOT perfect nor have they ever been... My husband is NOT drinking now but is a man who is in LOVE with Jesus Christ our Lord. I no longer live in " POLLYANNA"S WORLD""
. I have had to take a long hard look at my life and it has not been a pleasant experience. I know that if you are going through some of the same things in your mind that I did and you may be thinking something like: well that was you and it is not the same as what I am going through" well I am here to tell you this BULL, it is the same no matter if the experience is different.. You feel like you are not worth nothing! I felt the same... So what you need to do is start thinking about someone besides YOU! If you don't know Jesus Christ as your personal Savior then I would suggest you get down on your knees and start talking to Him today... I know that from my own personal experience that He is real and He wants to be with you... I will help you if you will let me.. Jesus will be there if you let Him.... So you ARE IMPORTANT to more then you realize.
I do not know about your circumstance nor your life nor probably even who you are but I do know that I LOVE YOU with all the love that Christ Jesus has... Please won't you let someone in today to help you know just how much you mean to them.. I want to help you... please let me... You can contact me through this blog please do so...
Dear Lord I pray for who ever is reading this today that they might feel you in someway today and know that you love them so much that you died for them.. I pray your will be done... In the name of Jesus Christ ... Amen.
God be with you today. vickie